October 8th, 1990
Taped September 24th, 1990
Reseda Country Club
Commentators: Herb Abrams & Bruno Sammartino
Here’s the best way to start a wrestling show. Play the intro, cut to the commentators aaaaaand:
Why would you film the commentators behind a green screen with the intention of inserting the crowd behind them only to ruin it by ZOOMING IN? It’s supposed to be a static shot, unless you’re trying to make them fly Superman IV style.
Tonight we have The Unpredictable Cactus Jack, The Dangerous Dan Spivey, Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff…oh wait it’s the exact cast as last week as it’s from the same tapings.
Cactus Jack vs. Davey Meltzer
Jack is using Born To Be Wild by Steppenwolf. Don’t know I didn’t just type ”Steppenwolf”, you’d have known what song I meant. Davey gets punched and bitten. Bruno tries to insert strategy here, reasoning Cactus must eat a late lunch. Cactus gets two from a back suplex but lifts him up before a possible three, angering Bruno who wants more referees to DQ wrestlers for excessive abuse. Cactus lands a rough facebuster and slams Davey on the concrete and follows it with THE CACTUS ELBOW.
Davey gets rolled in and loses to bad production.
Winner: Cactus Jack (YEAH CACTUS ELBOW. No Observer jokes this week sadly but there’s only so much you can do with ”dirt” and ”sheets”.)
Dan Spivey vs. Scott Cole
Spivey tears a B. Brian Blair shirt and throws the remains into the crowd which amuses Bruno. Spivey beats the shit out of the google-does-nothing jobber. Spinning neckbreaker, front suplex then a Gutwrench Suplex (called a ”different version of a suplex” by Bruno) causes the referee to lose his mind.
Ref counts three on nothing, Herb puts it over by saying ”wow, what humiliation!” so Bruno has to loudly explain ”you can’t win like that!!” to Herb. Spivey powerbombs to win for real-real.
Winner: Dan Spivey (Spivey was great at beating up jobbers and looking crazy, regardless of how drugged up the referees were.)
Paul Orndorff vs. The Black Knight
The Black Knight gets a graphic for some reason. Maybe they didn’t want three complete squashes in a row so they’re pretending he’s a real wrestler. Paul is an armdrag-throwing machine early on so TBK takes a breather outside. He completely fudges a Sunset Flip and instead of trying it again, Orndorff converts it into a hammerlock.
TBK squeezes out of the ring to adjust his mask. Mr. Wonderful gives him a backdrop and works over his arm for a while. Fake crowd noise is pumping in so I assume the crowd were loving this chubby guy. TBK eye-rakes to escape but Orndorff takes him out with a dropkick and finishes with the piledriver.
Winner: Paul Orndorff (Squash disguised as a competitive match with a fat guy disguised as a pro wrestler.)
We get the same hype promos from Billy Jack and Lou Albano from last week about how great UWF is, which is a bit excessive. Lou blatantly reading the lines off-camera is fantastic though.
Dr. Death Steve Williams vs. Larry Ludden
Ludden tries to sneak attack Dr. Death and everyone’s like ”oh you stupid, dead idiot.” Steve destroys the jobber until Larry surprisingly moves out of the way of a charge. Death gives him an enziguri and avalanches him so hard he flies out of the ring.
Oklahoma Stampede (on both sets of buckles) ends it.
Winner: Dr. Death Steve Williams (Extended squash but it’s alright if it’s Dr. Death because he’s an energetic motherfucker.)
Col. DeBeers is pissed that terrorist Nelson Mandella is getting more respect than F. W. de Klerk. Oh wow. He’s going to take his anger out on Billy Jerk Haynes because the American people wouldn’t let good guy de Klerk do his thing for the South African people. DeBeers making up for his dull promo last week with a classic drunk Grand-dad rant. HE MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING WRONG OR THEY WOULDN’T HAVE LOCKED HIM UP.
David Sammartino vs. Houdini
Bruno happily compliments David’s leanness because according to David he was off the roids. Houdini looks like a real wrestler with his name on his tights and everything. Crowd chants BORING almost immediately so David works over his leg and finishes with the Figure Four Leg Lock after Houdini misses a charge. There was nothing of note leading up to that.
Winner: David Sammartino (Crowd is getting more and more unhappy with the numerous squashes with the same guys. Next week is the third set of tapings too!)
Capt. Lou’s Corner with Dan Spivey
Lou asks Spivey if his height helped him play football. Spivey replies ”who cares?” Spivey enjoys beating up people and being a bad guy and rambles a bit before this stutters to an end. Lou’s a bad interviewer, trying to talk more than his interviewee.
Chief Jay Strongbow Jr. is here to spread WAR DANCE FEVER. Wait, Native Americans call themselves Indians? No-one’s told them it’s not India yet? That’s a bit cruel.
B. Brian Blair vs. Spitball Patterson
Herb tries a bit of banter with Bruno about how Spitball got his name. Bruno no-sells it so Herb explains ”because he spits a lot!” instead of explaining the art of the Angry Dragon. Match barely starts before Spivey shows up at ringside to glare with his coke-eyes. Bruno uses logic and asks why the ref hasn’t moved Spivey out from ringside yet because he’s obviously there to get involved in the match. Spivey trips him up and Bruno gets pissed. ”The ref knows Paul isn’t a clumsy clutz!” Crowd loudly chants for Spivey because he’s a scary cool guy compared to forced-good guy Blair. Blair gets tripped again but carries on wrestling Spitball like a bum rather than take Spivey out and this eventually ends with a Sharpshooter (called a Boston Crab by Herb).
Winner: B. Brian Blair (Match was all angle.)
Spivey attacks after the bell as was obvious to everyone but Blair The Idiot and takes a powerbomb. Crowd loves Blair getting beat up which wasn’t the plan.
Col. DeBeers vs. Billy Jack Haynes
The Colonel comes out to Welcome To The Jungle, because they have those in South Africa. DeBeers gets the mic and makes it clear he’s not happy with the ref because ”That is a black man!” OH SHIT.
DeBeers refuses to wrestle so the ring announcer changes him. Bruno gets as angry as he’s capable of getting. ”What power does the ring announcer have to do that?” I love Bruno using logic and ruining everything. We cut to a member of the crowd with a Malcolm X shirt that I’m sure he brought with him just to show off.
And Nelson Mandella was in Malcolm X (the film not the guy) so it’s super effective against DeBeers. The black ref is switched for a whiter, fatter ref as both commentators exclaim how wrong this all is but also wonder who is in charge here to allow this. Loud U-S-A chant as Civil Rights Activist Billy Jack demands the black ref return as the chants turn to WE WANT LARRY (I assume that’s the ref’s name, awkward if it isn’t.). DeBeers sneak attacks Billy Jack and beats him down with his jacket still on. BJ recovers so DeBeers offers his hand but BJ ain’t interested. BJ sucks all the energy with extended headlocks. DeBeers takes a comedy-oversell from a knee lift and we get another headlock. After a few minutes of that, DeBeers nails an enziguri and throws him outside for some plodding action. DeBeers wrestles like Hogan in 1998, all eye-rakes and axe handles. He’s been going since the seventies in fairness, which is also the last time Billy Jack slept. He busts out a knee drop attempt off the top rope but BJ gets his knees up on a knee-drop attempt and chops DeBeers so hard his eye-patch flies off. One-legged Zach Gowen dropkick from Billy sets up the dreaded Full Nelson but DeBeers runs outside. Billy Jack follows and they slowly brawl to a double count out. Again.
Winner: White People (The shock of the pre-match angle quickly fizzled out because DeBeers was DeBad in the ring. It didn’t help neither Bruno nor Herb knew how to explain how/why the ring announcer agreed to change the ref which sucked some of the heat away. Oh and another Double Count Out finish for the supposed main event.)
Overall: Lots of squashes and bad production values like last week with Steve Williams jobber-hunting being the sole highlight. The DeBeers segment is worth watching for the shock value (just make sure you stop watching when the match starts) because they don’t do segments like that anymore.
Jinder Mahal on Smackdown this week: ”why do you rook like that Nakamura?”
Never mind. Next week is Orndorff vs. Williams which should be good until the Double Count Out.
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